Can a sexless marriage survive, what happens when the spark is lost? Experts answer

New Delhi, News Nation Bureau | Updated : 11 June 2019, 12:09 PM
Marriage without sex (Photo: Instagram)
Marriage without sex (Photo: Instagram)

Sexless marriage, a topic stashed away in the sheets of the bedroom of married couples are sadly more common than it is talked about. Chuck away the sheets and ask the not-asked, what happens when the spark in the bedroom loses its magic? One in four couples over the age of 50 in fact, say they are in a sexless marriage. Google searches for 'sexless marriage' tops three and a half times more common than 'unhappy marriage' and eight times more common than 'loveless marriage', making it the most-searched marriage woes according to a data scientist Seth Stephen-Davidowitz.

While sex might is one of the factor in the mould of a married life, do removing or dying of it makes the whole pieces tumble? Lifecoach Dr Pam Spurr says it can, based on the Mirror study. Dr Pam says that having no sex between married couple means it is the end of a marriage. In her experience upon meeting married couples Dr Pam adds that she have met many couples and have friends who for one reason or another are in a sexless marriage. That doesn’t sum up a loveless marriage or one lacking in emotional intimacy.

On the opposite side, provided the right circumstances where a couple fully understand each other’s feelings, they may have a deeper bond than others but, that is, if both the partners are on the same page.

 “Most people do attribute significant meaning to sex and derive relational value from it: feelings of love, attractiveness, eroticism, desire and an expression of passion that you do not get to access with others,” said Irene Fehr, a sex and intimacy coach outside of Denver according to a Huffpost study.  

“People enter romantic relationships because they want to be able to share sexual desire, attraction, passion and connection together — this is what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship.”

But not everyone in a sexless marriage is miserable and doomed for divorce.

“A marriage can last long term without sex if both people are not bothered by the lack of sex in their lives,” said sex therapist Celeste Hirschman.” “For some people, sex is not a particularly high priority. For others, it is quite high, just like any other activity.”

So, what exactly constitutes a sexless marriage? There’s no ‘it’ answer to the question. Some experts say it’s when a couple has sex less than 10 times a year, while some study finds that Japanese couple have sex just once or twice a year. While for San Francisco-based sex therapist and relationship coach Danielle Harel, it’s any marriage in which the sex is “mostly non-existent between the couple.”

“It could be that they haven’t had sex in five years, or only have it every couple of months,” she told HuffPost. 

In some marriages, the lower-libido partner may consent to the higher-libido partner seeking sexual gratification outside the relationship. Many affairs start due to one partner still desiring sex. They have no idea why their other half no longer wants it that can make them feel neglected and rejected and seek sexual contact elsewhere.

So, is looking for the ‘magic’ lost in the bedroom, which can only be termed an affair, the solution to a marriage surviving without sex? No! All too often, couples sweep the topic under the rug about the sexless state of their marriages.

“Have an honest talk about why you think sex is not happening in the relationship, preferably without blaming and shaming your partner,” Harel told HuffPost.

First Published: Tuesday, June 11, 2019 11:51 AM
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